( For background into what other have said, and why this is an issue I want to address publicly, read these blogs:

Save one, win valuable prizes
Relative choices?
Nail? Meet hammers.
Racist M/Paternalism at its Best
Whoa. Hey. People — this isn’t ok
Shut Up, Tama Janowitz. Just shut up. And turn in your parenting license while you’re at it.
To Willow Janowitz: You’re not alone….
All The (Adoption) News That They See Fit To Print
A Comment About the Comments
The New York Times: Gatekeeper, Censor
Tama Janowitz, My Canidate for Mother of the Year
Tama Janowitz on NYT adoption blog
Fairness Doctrine
New York Times aka “the Adoption Police?”
censorship on new york times adoption blog
New York Times Adoption Blog Censoring Adult Adoptees
Where are the Outraged Parents here?)

Dear Tama,

I read your piece in the NY-Times this week. It made me really sad. I know you thought you were being cool, and even maybe a bit witty, in your jabs at your daughter and her Chinese homeland, but it really was just sad. Other bloggers have talked about the racism and egocentrism. I just have something to say to you as a mother of three.

The thing I really want you to consider is this. What your child says to you in anger doesn’t define your relationship. What you say to your child in anger has a profound influence on it.

It sounds like you have some anxiety about whether or not you are a “real” mother, and perhaps you could think about talking to someone about that. But the thing is, your relationship with your daughter is largely dependent on how much you honestly express how much you care, even when it is painful.

Hearing “I hate you!” doesn’t prove you are a “real” mom. Comparing what your friend’s biological daughter says to what your adopted daughter says and finding similarities doesn’t prove you are her mom.

Here’s where I see a problem. You said,

“My friend has a biological kid who said one day, “I hate you.” She cried and cried and told the child how deeply hurt she was.

I have heard those words, too, and my child is not biological. Like, I care? Hate me or love me, I am her mother and she knows it and since she is not getting a reaction out of me she almost immediately revises her opinion.

Is it my fault she is still angry because I kept coming home with another dog? I would have been thrilled, if I was a kid, to have six poodles! How was I supposed to know she would turn out to be the type who didn’t like dogs? And she says even if she did like dogs, she only likes mixed breeds!”

You don’t care that she may hate you? Really? Or is that just your way of deflecting the pain? We all care when someone hates us. I think it might be healthier to just admit it and go on from there. If you tell her you don’t care about her anger you are just teaching her to be be petty, immature, backbiting and verbally aggressive. Is that what you want to be teaching her?

Anyway, one (adoptive) mom to another. You are not teaching your daughter to be happy with what you are publishing in the New York Times. It might pay your bills but it’s gonna cost you the one you love.

Yours,

cloudscome